Squirrel Talk

May 25, 2006


I woke up yesterday to what sounded like two or three people sitting on my roof typing very fast. It was a rapid-fire sound that really did sound like people banging away on a plastic keyboard. Normally I wake up about 6:30, but the other day my eyes popped open at 6:00 thanks to the pitter-patter of probably soon to be rabid animals. It was insane; I had these miserable bastards scurrying across my roof like some demented conga line from hell.

So I pulled my ass out of bed, still not knowing what was going on. I thought it might be squirrels, but it could also be cats… And cats are just one step away from being in the same league as squirrels, so I wouldn’t have been happy no matter what was causing the racket, and them taking away the sleep I love so dearly is more than I could take. As I go out on the back patio, everything is quiet and the sun is just peeking above some of the houses. A minute later, hell breaks loose. From across the alley I hear and see branches shaking on smaller trees behind a neighbor’s fence. I was intrigued, so I watched. A few seconds later a squirrel takes a flying leap from the branch of said neighbor’s tree, and lands on top of my fence. Three other squirrels follow in quick succession.

Instead of jumping to the ground, the little plague carriers careen across the top of my fence until it meets my house. They could easily have taken a short-cut since I have a tree in the back yard that spans enough area to go from fence to house, but they seemed to behave like small children discovering the joy of a Halloween candy rush by taking the longest direction to get from wherever it was they came from, to wherever it was they were going. From the fence, all four of them make a b-line across the roof, above the area where my bedroom is, and then toward my garage. Then, they all made another flying leap that took them into my next door neighbor’s yard. I was slightly amused, but it wore off quickly enough when the same thing was repeated in reverse, and they ended up back in the neighbor’s yard behind me. I assume they were playing. However, play stopped at 6:20 when the BB gun came out and removed any doubt they needed to stay the hell off my roof so early in the morning.

I believe “Squirrelly Cuteness” is an evolutionary device used by the squirrels take our mind off their disease-ridden carcasses, and prevents us from doing what should be done… Eliminating them through bb guns, or high doses of radiation.

They shake their tail, and they scurry around, looking so happy…. Forget the evolution device… I bet rabbits taught them the tail shake. Yeah… rabbits are just as evil as squirrels… Anyway, a squirrel’s nose isn’t as large and pronounced as a rabbit’s nose, so squirrels need something large enough to be seen by a human when they come toward it with an axe raised above their head, ready to cut it up into “Deliverence Stew.” So, the squirrel flicks it’s tail, looks cute, people forget about what flea motels and disease factories they can be, and they are released from the certain death they deserve.

Squirrels are cute. There’s no denying that. But their cuteness resides in the tail. Think in terms of a gold-digger (Anna Nicole Smith) when I use the following analogy, “Old rich men are cute, but their cuteness is all in the bank account.” That didn’t come out right since I’m a straight guy, but at least you can see what I’m talking about. I’m sure some 90 year old codger can be the life of the party, but would anyone in their right mind actually sleep with them? Now ask the squirrel the same question… No, not if you would sleep with one, but would the animal still be as cute if it didn’t have a fluffy tail? Wouldn’t it be a brown rat without the furry tail? Something to think about.

One big question comes to mind… Can anyone tell me what squirrels are good for anyway? Do they serve a purpose that benefits anyone, or are they simply God’s way of saying He ran out of ideas, but had a few spare parts left over, so He took a rat and stuck the tail of a Pomeranian to its ass?

Here’s hoping the slightly cuter than rats, but nowhere near the greatness of dogs, that survived my BB gun attack, get crushed under the wheels of any car driving down my street. Squirrelly bastards…


5 Responses to “Squirrel Talk”

  1. chipmunk Says:

    I have raised squirrels. They are the most loyal, loving, amusing, creative and sharing animals I have had out of the rodent family. My Bumpers was found almost “road kill” as you would say. She stayed with me, choosing for a year and a half to live with 4 cat’s a dog and a rabbit. She was very protective and would attack anyone who meant me harm or entered my house without permission. Squirrels do not carry rabies or distemper. It is very rare and contracted only by a bite of a diseased animal. Your squirrels were breeding. Three males chasing a female. Normal behavior. I would consider moving to a new planet since your hatred towards nature and their supposed destruction of their own world has coincided with yours. My Bumpers has decided to nest outside and start her adult life where she belongs. She is terribly missed by all the family including the animals, who search for her daily to play. P.S. Bumpers nor any of the other squirrels in my yard have “fleas”
    . At least not the kind you think. They have a type that only they carry and cannot pass along to other animals. Unfortunatly your disease is contagious. It’s called ignorance.

  2. Unfortunatly your disease is contagious. It’s called ignorance.

    No, it’s called humor. I have never said this to anyone here, and that includes some really stupid liberals that flow through every so often, but I’m feeling especially angry… I believe it is Squirrelly Wrath incarnate… Ya ready?

    Grab a fucking clue.

    You comment shows you have not read anything else written on this site since you failed to notice (unless I’m writing about liberals) what I write is for humor’s sake and nothing more. What I write is not holy writ. So ease off the righteous indignation for a sec. You started sounding like a squirrel version of Timothy Treadwell. In keeping with the humor I usually present, here’s a parody clip of Treadwell:

    Dumbass deserved to be mauled to death…

    Anyway, as I say to everyone that stops by, no matter how insane they appear to be, thank you for your comment, and you are more than welcome to come back any time.

  3. Richard Says:

    I bet you Bumpers would taste mighty good in a stew!

    What a loser.

  4. Richard Says:


    Daddy’s Squirrel Stew
    Thanks to Rob Benson for sending in this recipe.

    ~ 3 squirrels, quartered
    ~ Tony Chachere’s Creole seasoning
    ~ 2 strips bacon, cut up
    ~ 1/2 stick butter
    ~ 1 onion, chopped
    ~ 4 cloves garlic, finely chopped
    ~ 2 bell peppers, chopped
    ~ 2 stalks celery, chopped
    ~ 3 potatoes, cubed
    ~ 5 cups water
    ~ 1/4 cup burgundy wine

    Rub the creole seasoning liberally over the squirrels.

    In a dutch oven, melt the butter. Add the bacon.

    Add the squirrel to the dutch oven and brown evenly. Remove.

    To the dutch oven, add the onion, garlic, peppers and celery. Saute until the veggies are soft.

    Add the meat back to the pot along with the water and potatoes. Stir together.

    Bring to a boil, reduce heat and simmer 1 1/2 hours stirring occasionally.

    Remove the squirrel pieces. Cool and debone.

    Return meat to the pot. Stir in the wine. Heat to boiling again then reduce heat and simmer 10 minutes.

    Serve over biscuits or toast.


  5. I’ve had alligator, shark, rabbit, and snake, just to mention a few unusual meals. Eating squirrel sounds as appetizing as a rat-ka-bob. But after seeing that recipe, squirrel doesn’t sound too bad.

    I’m sure it helps when you add the creole seasoning.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: